DAY THREE & DAY FOUR: “hormones & tears”

Well, I can tell you that the first load of injections went well. OK maybe that’s not entirely true…

I did perhaps throw a teeny tiny tantrum when my poor husband tried to help me as he could see I was starting to have some problems with trying to rip off the lid of the powder vial (little sucker just didn’t want to budge!) and I started to get a tad agitated, followed by nervousness as time was starting to tick on by (cue in my dramatics) as I still had to to mix the Menopur drug… but thats beside the point! 😀

Menopur is one of the few IVF drugs that you actually need to mix it yourself. You have a vile of water solution that you will inject from. A needle is provided for that part of the process. It is a needle that is slightly thicker so please do not get that needle mixed up! You seriously do not want to inject yourself with that one. Major OUCH!. Then  you will then inject that into the small bottle with the Menopur powder.

You need to make sure that you swivel that around to mix it well.

Don’t shake it, just slightly swivel it around.

The IVF nurse gives you a box of Menopur needles which is what you will use to withdraw the mixture from and inject into your lower tummy (below your belly button at all times).

I have found Menopur to be the one drug that just slightly burns as you inject it. I find that if you do it, slowly it doesn’t burn (sting) as much. This drug stimulates the ovaries to grow mature follicles and supposedly, it can also improve the eggs. Of my own opinion, I don’t see how that can be the case, as to improve egg quality health through diet and such, it takes around 90 days.

Many women who have trouble getting pregnant get told by their told doctors that their eggs aren’t healthy, or that they are too old. Pretty much we get told that we are better off using an egg donor, IVF, or even adopting. Yes sometimes, age is a factor but sometimes there are things that you can do to help improve or support the health of our reproduction area but it needs to be done for at least 90 days to have some sort of impact. But thats a WHOLE another post for for me to chat about later on! 🙂

Now there are side affects with any drug that you take (even some herbal supplements can have slight side effects).  Common side affects with Menopur include (from my own personal experience):

→ Headaches; nausea, pain, slight swelling, and redness at the injection site.

You can also get stomach cramps, bloating, pain, vomiting and constipation. If you get anything that is severe and that doesn’t go away after a few hours, please go and see your GP or go to the Hospital Emergency.

With the other two drugs (Puregon and SciTropin) is so easy and hassle free! They both come with their own vials and pen like syringe, and all you do, is place the vials into the pen, and click on the amount that is to be injected and boom! It’s all done. No mixing, no mess, no getting agitated and frustrated.

another day, another injection (…and later on some tears too)

So I started off this morning with an additional injection to my collection, the Orgalutran.  This drug is supposed to stop ovulation from happening.

The fertility clinics introduce this drug normally around Day 4 after being on the follistism drugs(i.e. Menopur, Puregon, Gonal F etc) for a few days. Its a precautionary for just in case your body decides to ovulate a lot sooner than it should. Note that early ovulation can also happen when you’re on a natural cycle too. This injection is meant to be done in the morning (usually between 6am and 11am). I have an alarm on my phone set for all of my IVF drugs so there is no way I am able to ever forget!

To be honest I do feel a little tiny bit of action starting to happen to both of my ovaries as we speak at the moment.

Its likes a very slight feeling of swelling, like something is growing on both sides… a pressure like feeling. Sometimes I feel it more in one ovary than in the other one, but today I’m actually feeling it in both. Hopefully that is a great sign!

I do feel a little tender in the lower tummy (where the injections are done) and I am starting to bloat a bit more than usual. I know its wrong for me to say this, but I’m starting to feel so self conscious. Its stupid I know especially if I am blessed enough one day soon to finally becoming pregnant though IVF. Thats different, I accept that and freaking welcome with all my heart and soul, but when you’re doing cycle after cycle and getting nowhere near to being pregnant, I think I’m allowed to feel self-conscious about the way my body is starting to look with the drugs. Now, not all women’s bodies react to the drugs but many like myself, unfortunately do.

Mood wise? So far so good. Although that can seriously change at the flick of any moment!

and so the hormones kick in and the desperate heartbreaking tears stream down my face

I received a phone call from my husband a short moment ago with some news about a friend of ours, who had also encountered difficulty over the years in trying to fall pregnant.

She did IVF for many years and was also told her eggs were bad quality (just painful heartbreaking words to hear, no matter what) and would have to go down the donor egg route, which she did and fell pregnant but unfortunately she miscarried. She’s a lot younger than I am and is truly a beautiful soul and such a strong warrior, they decided to give up for a while and just live their lives.

Today, she told my husband that she’s nine weeks pregnant and that it was a natural conception.

The world stood still for me for a minute or so as I heard my husband say this over the phone. Obviously I am so happy for her and her husband – there is no question! They have endured so much heartache and frustration in their journey of creating a family, like a lot of us, but deep down inside it hurt so much. My husband sounded so hopeful for us and even said, ‘see? there’s hope for us!”.

Unfortunately, maybe it was the negative person inside me or just the realistic person in me but I just said, ‘babe, I have one tube that is blocked and the other one thats partially blocked – it would have to be a super alien miracle for it to happen to us.”  Before he had a chance to even reply, I added, that I’m happy for them (and honestly, I truly am) and it is so inspiring and hopeful, but I will need time to digest it, process it and then to contact her to give her my congratulations. He said, that she realised that and hence why she told him to let me know.

Pretty much as soon as I got off the phone, I had to walk out of my (day time work place) office straight away as the tears were starting to well up.

I sat on the stairs outside work (in the parking lot) and just cried.

I cried, and cried and cried.

I’m not sure how long I was out there but the tears just continuously flowed down my face, with snot running out of my nose (sorry, I know gross) and all I kept thinking was:

I’m so happy for them! They so deserve this! This is a beautiful miracle!

…but why isn’t it happening for me?

For us?

My poor husband to unluckily pick me to be his soul mate, his life partner and I’m a f**king failure.

A reproductive dud.

The one thing that I’m supposed to do as a woman, I can’t even do it. Reproduce. Create a baby. How can I not beat myself up? How can I not torture my incapabilities? How can I not be negative towards myself? …breaking up with an ex who was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, getting over that type of heartache was easy. Not being able to create and have a baby, that is the one heartache I will never be able to get over and heal from, and I don’t think I truly ever will.

Well, luckily I wasn’t wearing any make-up today… (cue in the very awkward humour)

I know my husband has said so many times that he didn’t marry me to be an incubator, but still I know how much he wants kids, I know how much he wants his own family, just like I do.  Right now, I’m feeling so heartbroken. I desperately pray that this is the cycle for me, for us.

Please Lord, let it be.

COMING UP ON THE NEXT EPISODE: ‘crazy hormonal lady walking!’