DAY 17 & DAY 18: grow little warrior, grow!

PREVIOUSLY on the last episode of ‘Style & Life by Susana’:

The embryologist rang me and said that my embryo (i.e. little warrior as its now known as), is at Day 3 and is dividing really well and is at 8 cells, as it should be on Day 3. I felt so relieved and happy at that moment that I actually looked like and did this:

Phoebe Buffay (Friends)

DAY 17

So today is, “no news is good news.” But OH MY GOD it’s killing me not knowing how my little warrior is coming along. Whether its growing, whats happening or not happening. I just want the embryologist to ring me four or five times a day just to give me little updates. Yes I know I am being a little unreasonable but this is so doing my head in, like you would not believe!

IVF is one of the most mind f**k journey’s any couple can go on. You dissect, over analyse and think about EVERY little thing that happens. Or doesn’t happen (that then just goes over into a very dangerous zone). Whether it’s food related, what can you eat, what can’t you eat, what supplements to take or not to take, drugs you will be on, when do you take them, what happens if you don’t inject/insert at the exact same time? Can you have sex? (and yes, you can still have sex), no alcohol, no coffee, so sugar… seriously, unless your on this IVF journey, you really don’t can’t truly understand or comprehend what that person goes through and feels. Its a journey where you feel so ever incredibly alone but yet you can feel everyones eyes on you. Only in the sense because they too want you to have that dream that you so desperately long for. I know, because I’ve been on that side of the fence before.

DAY 18

butterflies, yep I said butterflies

OK todays post is going to sound and/or be like a little weird, and if you’re like me and you have a spiritual nature about yourself and believe in certain signs that the Universe gives out, then you may find this a little bit fascinating.

Let me me just get straight into it… today, I have been seeing butterflies every where! Yes, thats right. Butterflies. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal.. just hold on, I do have a point I’m trying to get to. Haha! 😀

In spiritual term, the meaning the symbolism meaning behind butterflies is all about new beginnings. Change and transformations.

Powerful transformation, metamorphosis in your life, personality
Moving through different life cycles
Renewal, rebirth
Lightness of being, playfulness
Elevation from earthly matters, tuning into emotional or spiritual
The world of the soul, the psyche

Another meaning of a butterfly is about finding joy in life and the lightness of being.

Well unfortunately for me, I believe I’ve been singled out and its to be a different meaning in a different sense. I’m really sorry if I’m about to sound so negative but in the past, whenever I have seen see butterflies or even moths (they have a similar meaning) and it’s been during an IVF cycle (I swear I never EVER see butterflies or moths any other time, I mean, like seriously!) to me they mean: the ‘end of a cycle/life and the start of a new path.’

This afternoon as I was coming back from my mum’s house (we live just behind each other, on neighbouring properties), walking through her back yard onto my back yard, I saw two white butterflies just about two or so metres away from me. I literally froze in my step and gasped.

In the past whenever I have had butterflies land on me or fly past me and if I’ve been undergoing an IVF cycle, the next day I get a phone call from the IVF clinic letting me know that the cycle hasn’t worked and/or I’m not pregnant OR I get my period. Today I’ve just seen two butterflies two metres away from me. So you can imagine what I started to think or pretty much, start to fear. I’m even too scared to type it on my laptop. I’m trying to push the thoughts way way WAY back into the very back of my mind. I’m so scared to even say or bring it up to my husband and upsetting him. He knows I believe in all of this. He doesn’t. BUT… he doesn’t even deny that I have some psychic abilities either.

So as I stood there frozen in time for what seemed like an eternity, I slowly started to walk around to the other side of my back yard so it looked like those butterflies had in no way any sort of link or connection to me or my little warrior. That way in the next day or so, when I speak to the embryologist everything will be all fine and on track… I’m trying to convince myself here, to be honest, I know.

An hour or so later, another butterfly hovered around me as I was just watering my beautiful lavender plants. I tried so HARD and really tried to not take any notice of it. Actually, I walked away from it so it couldn’t touch me thinking, again that way its not connected to me and it doesn’t mean anything… unless it has touched me.

I’m so scared. I truly am. A part of me is like already feeling that these butterflies have been signs. that my little warrior hasn’t made it or won’t be able to continue on with the fight. I’m sitting here, typing these words, I can barely see the screen to be honest. The tears are stinging my eyes and fall down my face. Luckily I’m home alone. I can hear mum mowing the her lawns and my gorgeous husband, he’s off at baseball. My two gorgeous darling fur babies, Miguel and Tiago are both at my feet looking up at me, scratching at my legs, wanting to come up and kiss away my tears and hug their mum.

I’m totally convinced that they have been signs, these butterflies. My heart feels like its twisting around and around and at any moment it could break into two.

Please God, I beg of you, I beg you, please don’t let this be the end.

Please don’t take away my little warrior. This is meant to be lucky clinic number three. The number twelve (cycles now) also a good number for me. Please God, you can’t do this again to me, you just can’t!!